A few weeks ago, I experienced a bit of role reversal. I was out with some regular friends who don’t study dating science. My friends have seen my increased results, but I’d rather they not view how the sausage is made, so I scrap my regular “blow me or blow me out” attitude and just make harmless chit chat with girls.
After midnight I’m just talking with my buddies again when I feel a hand grab my back. A tall girl comes up to me. I haven’t seen her until now. I just assume she’s trying to shoehorn her way through the crowded bar. I’m wrong, because she then delivers the most awkward opener I’ve ever heard.
“I’m no good at this, but this is the point in the evening I talk to guys I wouldn’t normally talk to.” Is she negging me? Is she just that socially clueless? I don’t know. She then explains that that’s her pickup line and that she’s no good at this.
First off, I have to commend the courage of everybody who puts themselves on the line like that. I can’t even imagine how much ego a woman puts at stake doing a cold approach like she did. Part of me wanted to help her, but her approach and subsequent interaction left me reacting like an aloof woman would.
“You certainly know how to make a guy feel special,” I facetiously respond. From this point I humor her, flatly replying to her basic, boring, chode questions, but the interaction quickly dies. Moreover, I do nothing to revive it. As the interaction feels kind of boring I end up unconsciously becoming a bit snotty towards her. I never say anything mean, but I put very little effort into the conversation and only answer what she asks me. My feet are still facing my friends the whole time. After about five minutes she gives up. “Well it was nice meeting you,” she murmurs as she walks off. “You too,” I half heartedly respond out of politeness.
Often in life, you don’t understand something fully until you experience it yourself. As contrived as it is to use my own behavior as an example, this girl made the exact same mistakes that so many beginner guys do that it’s worth exploring from the other side.
First off, being seduced is an emotional journey. We think this is only true for girls, but it cuts both ways. Even in a one night stand, we’re putting on a show for each other. If you don’t believe me, explain why girls bother faking orgasms. We both pretend that the other is uniquely irresistible. If we’re in a casual relationship, we adopt as Savoy has stated, a “don’t shove it in her face” policy. This girl, by saying she was settling for me at the end of the night was shoving that inconvenient truth in my face.
One of my guy friends who hasn’t been laid in a year barked back at me with indignation when I brushed the girl off. “Dude man, it’s easy pussy.” Funny thing is when you have abundance, you can be picky. Girls live by the mindset that guys are like busses. You miss this one, another one will come by in ten minutes. The more options, the less forgiving they are. I might have overlooked such an awkward opener two years ago, but not today.
That’s the first takeaway, and it’s pails in comparison to what I’m about to mention. The other is that it’s so crucial to set the correct frames and pacing for the interaction. We’re told that it’s a man’s job to lead the interaction. There’s a little bit of truth to that, but in reality, whoever starts the conversation sets the pacing and tone for the whole thing.
This year for Halloween, I dressed up as Lance Armstrong. One girl opened me by saying “Hey, those spandex are too tight for regulations. I’m going to have to turn you in to the authorities.” She role played me as well as any good PUA would have. It was a teasing flirtatious line, and it was easy for me to respond in kind. Game on, at least until her boyfriend showed up.
When the awkward girl kept bombarding me with boring questions it made it really difficult for me to transition the conversation onto a flirty topic. She started the conversation so she set the pacing. The pacing was slow and boring. I mirrored that unconsciously. Think about that from a woman’s perspective. She may actually think you’re cute, but if you don’t set the tone of the interaction the right way, you will make it impossible for her to begin to flirt with you, and she’ll lost attraction because you killed the mood.
If you go up to a girl and playfully say “Where the hell have YOU been?! I’ve been looking for you all night.” There’s a good chance she’ll play along.
Hopefully that sheds some insight on how things look from the other side. To close off this post, you should develop the habit of seeing things from the other person’s perspective. Not just in game, but with life in general? Whether in game, sales, friendships, or the workplace, you need to be able to guess what’ going on in the other person’s head, what their motives are, and what their agenda is. If you’re not able to make some logical deductions such as the ones I’ve outlined in this article, it’s an exercise worth starting.Read More